


St. John’s Boarding School for Boys

by AlexxaSick



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Religious, M/M, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-20
Updated: 2011-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-28 07:45:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexxaSick/pseuds/AlexxaSick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But we can't help who we fall in love with....</p>
            </blockquote>





	St. John’s Boarding School for Boys

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boblemon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=boblemon).



> I wrote this is for boblemon who requested the prompt in my journal  
> Special thanks to nande_daiyo for her time and help

 

 

  _If there’s no one beside you_  
 _when your soul embarks_  
 _then I’ll follow you into the dark_

Death Cab for Cutie, I will follow you into the dark

 

 

Masaki held no illusions about why boys ended up as students in St. John’s Boarding School for Boys. Their parents were sick of them and wanted get rid of them ASAP. In Masaki Aiba’s case, his parents grew tired of his constant experimentation, burning stuff and general curiosity. So they sold a few things, including that record player his father had saved for years to be able to buy, as well as that pair of shoes his mother was proud of. And they sent him there even if it wasn’t cheap at all.

 

St John’s had kids from elementary school ‘till high school. He personally had been there since the fifth grade. Sho had been there since first. Sho Sakurai held his mother’s maiden’s last name. He was the bastard son of some influential politician and his mother was just a maid in the household. He had been sent to St. John’s to keep their mouth shut, and maintain the boy quite far from the family (since he was his father born again according to his grandmother). They had been friends since they first teamed up for P.E.

 

Students paired up to share a room in St John’s. Around middle school Satoshi Ohno moved in with Masaki. He had arrived there when his wealthy uncle sent him to free his widow sister from her burden. For a while after that, it was only them who hanged out and played. When they were in 9th grade, Jun Matsumoto arrived too.

 

Jun was a mystery though, Masaki did not know how Jun had arrived to school, and actually other guys at school had a poll on the reason he ended up in St John’s. Kamenashi said Jun was a spoiled brat and his parents sent him there to straighten him up. Nishikido, on the other hand, thought his widower father married again and his new stepmother didn’t want him around. Murakami’s bet was that it was his mother who had remarried. And there was Koki, who thought his parents had died in an accident and his grandparents had sent him so they wouldn’t have to take care of him. By the manner the guy dressed, Aiba’s bet was that his parents traveled too much and they sent him there so they wouldn’t have to take him with them. Sho just thought they read too many crappy novels.

 

Jun was a year younger and the day he had arrived, he had introduced himself ceremoniously. The first time Masaki saw him he just knew he somehow would become someone important in his life. He later thanked god Jun had roomed with Sho, because otherwise they wouldn’t have met. Masaki liked sports and outdoors, Jun liked theater and reading. Masaki liked to have his lunch on the courtyard with his hands. Jun liked to sit at the table and use utensils and napkins. Masaki liked the chemistry class. Jun enjoyed literature.

 

Also, he introduced them to the final member of their group: Kazunari Ninomiya. Who was a mousy kid who liked to hide in the storage room to do crossword puzzles. He arrived to St John’s when his very catholic parents decided they weren’t enough to keep the devil away from their precious little one.

 

In St. John’s the routine on a regular morning was waking up at six. They immediately had to pray the Angelus. Students better be praying when the priests checked the rooms. Then they had to do their beds. If they didn’t, they were punished, caned by Monsignor Kitagawa in his office. The times they were caned depended on what mood the man was that day. After getting ready, they’d go down to the dining area to eat breakfast and after that, they had lessons with the appropriate pause for the Angelus at 12. Around three they’d go back to the dinning hall and were allowed to take their lunch wherever they wanted. Usually, Aiba sat with his four friends and they shared stories about their day.

 

On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays they had to do something around the facility. It could be helping in the kitchen with the cleaning, cleaning the common areas, helping in the laundry, cleaning the shower rooms and toilets. Masaki was banned from kitchen and laundry duties. He was banned from the first one after he decided to improve the food by adding random ingredients to the stew and soup. The experiment had cost him an hour kneeled down on the gravel in the courtyard. From laundry, he was banned the day he tried to improve the cleaning of the sheets by mixing chemicals. He ended up ruining several of them. That experiment earned him fifty canes to his bare ass. The mixed chemicals were great to clean the toilets and showers so he usually ended up helping there. At six they prayed the Angelus again and they were free to do whatever they wanted; but they usually gathered at the library or Sho’s room to do homework together before dinner and then they showered. Curfew was at eight for elementary school students and nine for everyone else.

 

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays they were allowed to participate in an activity of their choice. Masaki was part of the basketball team. Sho was with the reading club. Satoshi joined the painting workshop while Jun was in the drama club. Kazu usually just charmed his way with the priests so they’d give him the crossword puzzles from the newspaper and hid to do them.

 

On Saturdays they didn’t go to class but directly to their cleaning duties after breakfast. Then they’d have a couple of hours to straighten up their bedrooms since in the afternoon they had a weekly room checkup. Priests were very exhaustive in their searches. Once Satoshi forgot to dust the windowsill properly and they both had to stand in the courtyard (in the almost-summer sun, without any clouds) for three hours holding a couple of dictionaries in their extended hands. And another day when Masaki’s drawers were a little messy all his stuff was thrown out the window so the whole school could see “the pigpen he lived in”, and he wasn’t allowed to retrieve his possessions the rest of the day. It was only after curfew, when all lights were off and everyone was in bed. Luckily for him, Jun had been out of bed, risking himself to be caned and helped him to gather his clothes and knick knacks from the school grounds. Masaki felt so grateful he promised Jun he would give him his dessert for a week. The younger one just patted him on the shoulder as they made their way to Masaki’s bedroom and told him it wasn’t necessary, and didn’t accept it next day.

 

After the room checkups, they were allowed to go to the chapel so they were able to confess their sins. There were only four confession booths and sometimes it took forever to be able to confess.  Masaki’s sins were mostly the same every time: swearing and disobedience. The priest would ask him things about it, about some things he might have forgotten to confess, lately the priest had asked him if he had touched himself or seen inappropriate images, dream about women and such. His answer had been mostly no each time. Every time he had to do five _Hail Mary_ more for lying, he didn’t understand why the priest always thought he was lying about it.

 

On Sundays they had to attend mass, receive communion. Sometimes, when the priests were particularly happy with them they’d allow them to walk to town and eat ice cream after mass. Masaki enjoyed their little trips. Most of the students took the opportunity to meet the girls in town and flirt around. Since there were a lot of boys, and just a handful of girls, the latter always acted skeptical and cold towards them.

 

Masaki didn’t mind the girls too much, even when one of them liked to give him candies. He liked to go there and watch his friends eat ice cream. He always thought you could know a lot about a person just by watching them eat. Himself and Satoshi usually just stuffed their face and it was gone within minutes. Sho approached the dessert with certain methodology: he would start by the front and halfway it would seem he had been served only half a scoop. Nino on the other hand mostly took apathetic mouthfuls with a languid pace. By the time he was halfway done, most of the ice cream had melted. Jun, on the other hand was efficient. The way he waited until it was almost melted but not really, then he’d take a spoonful and he would take enough time to savor it. Masaki liked to look at him. Jun always looked like he enjoyed it a lot.

 

They were forbidden to go to town for over a month after Nishikido disappeared a whole afternoon. When he came back, he had that stupid smile on his face and dirty clothes. Monsignor Kitagawa cloistered with him for hours, when he finally confessed, he was made sleep on the floor and eat only bread and water for the following ten days and next Sunday he was unable to take communion. When asked he’d mouth that “ _everything was worth it_ ” but if priests caught him talking about it they’d make Nishikido kneel on a broomstick for an hour or so. Everyone stopped trying to make him talk about what happened. Rumors said that they had seen him go inside Mrs. Fujimoto’s house and ran out the back door when Mr. Fujimoto arrived home. Nobody blamed Nishikido though. He had become some kind of hero.

 

Once Nino had been punished with the cane until the flesh of his back was raw. That happened when they found a pin up with a drawing of a woman in a bathing suit and he wouldn’t tell where he had gotten it. Every student in the high school dorms knew Subaru was the one who could get those kinds of things, and probably Nino had stolen it anyways. Nino was the one who got into trouble the most between the five of them. The part of his brain in charge of thinking things through and the one in charge of witty poisonous retorts weren’t connected. He tended to say too many things he shouldn’t have. Hence, his punishments tended to be stronger and crueler since he had the bad habit of spite the priests.

 

Ohno sometimes got into trouble because he was way too spacy and he usually made mistakes. Sho only got in trouble when his temper got out of control. And Jun only got in trouble when Masaki got into trouble. Priests pretty much indulged Masaki’s experiments as long as they didn’t have to eat it and they wouldn’t destroy the school property. Jun always acted reluctant and aloof to Masaki’s experimentation, but never left his side until everything was clean and he was sure both were out of trouble.

 

When Jun first arrived, he would walk shyly towards where Satoshi, Sho and Masaki sat to do their homework, and ask Sho a few things, sometimes things that even Masaki knew. But he was cute, looking at him with an adoring gaze as he was explained briefly whatever he had asked. Masaki would coax Sho to explain better to their junior when he felt it wasn’t enough. After a couple of months Jun just sat beside them. Masaki liked him, even if Sho did his best to ignore the boy and the way he had started to wear his tie the same way Sho did. The way Jun tried too hard to be in Sho’s good side broke Masaki’s heart a little bit, but he didn’t understand why.

 

Masaki liked it when they could finish their homework early and they just hung out, mostly indoors, because Sho, Kazu and Jun preferred activities inside and they were majority. He liked it even if they didn’t talk or interact much. Maybe it was part of his curious nature too, the way he observed his friends. The way he watched them had the same care he put into his experiments. Sho usually read. He liked to read a lot. _Light reading_ he’d say. Masaki didn’t get what was _light_ about it. Kazu would sit with the daily crossword puzzle and a pencil asking Sho for the words he couldn’t figure out on his own before. Satoshi liked to sit with the sketchpad and the set of drawing pencils his mother had gotten him for his birthday and draw people. Jun usually sat with the script for the play the theater club would perform next and tried hard to memorize his lines mouthing them and frowning when he didn’t understand the feeling or motives of the characters. Masaki just held a book, or a notebook and pretended to be busy to be able to watch them.

 

Out of the five of them, Masaki was the first to get kissed by a girl. She had been giving him candy for years. He couldn’t understand why she was talking to him and following him around when he was in town. Since for most of his schoolmates it was the other way around. She managed to separate him from the group by telling him she had left the candies in her house this time, and when she handed them to him, she put her lips to his for a moment. The smell of strawberry and candy was all around him. He wasn’t sure what happened next, since everything else seemed like a blur. It was just pure bad luck that Father Nakai was passing by in that same moment and dragged him back to the school to wash his mouth (inside and out) with hand soap. He had been made to pray (kneeled on a broomstick) for the Lord’s forgiveness since he must have led the girl somehow to try to do something like that. Jun had come into his room just before the curfew that night. He gave him an ointment to put on his knees throwing Masaki a sympathetic look before going back to his and Sho’s room without saying a word. He fell asleep that night after crying for a while and dreamed that someone else had kissed him, someone who meant something to him but when he had to open his eyes and look at this person, he got scared. He woke up sweating profusely, with mixed feelings. Since he was still scared to look the face of the one who kissed him, but curious, very, very curious about her.

 

Masaki did tell them what happened, since not one of them was there to witness the kiss. In the rest of the school the rumor was that he had grabbed the girls bosoms hence the severity of the punishment. The five friends reveled in not saying anything and let the rumor spread and grow. All of what happened drove Masaki to think that maybe Nishikido hadn’t had intercourse with the lady after all.

 

Sometimes he wondered if observing his friends with such detail was normal, if he hasn’t been just a creep. So one Saturday evening he confessed to that to a priest. The priest said that it was normal curiosity, and that he was okay. He confessed then that he had dreamed about the kiss. The priest told him to pray three _Our Father_ more for that.

 

One day he noticed Jun putting discretely some of his bread inside a handkerchief and putting it to his pants pocket. He didn’t think much of it, since he sometimes did that to have a snack while studying. But then when they got together later he wouldn’t eat it and it was strange. This happened several days in a row, so he decided to follow Jun after their cleaning duties. Jun went to the unused barn and looked sideways to be sure no-one was around and almost yelled when he saw Masaki.

 

“Wha… what are you doing here?” Jun asked and his face was even redder than it had been the time Subaru showed them a photograph of a woman showing her breasts.

 

“Following you.” He answered with a sheepish smile. “What are YOU doing here?”

 

Jun looked at his feet for a while, his hand inside his pocket.

 

“Are you going to tell?” Jun said at last looking for a moment to his face and down again.

 

“Not if you tell me what you are doing,” He answered with one of his trademark big smiles. Jun smiled back and guided him to a hole on the wall at the other side of the barn. They couldn’t go through the door since it was with a lock. They crouched to be able to get into it. Inside, it smelled old, like the attic in Masaki’s grandparents’ house. But it also smelled weird it smelled like…

 

“A dog…” Masaki muttered as Jun kneeled down next to a pile of thatch and pulled the bread from his pants.

 

“Her name is Doris.” Jun said but didn’t approach the animal he put the bread on the floor and backed away. “She just had puppies, but she won’t let me see them.” He continued as the brown dog with white spots walked forward wryly and took the bread.

 

“Here girl.” Masaki said patting his knees happily and the dog wagged its tail and walked to him. Jun looked at him dumbfounded as Masaki put his hand to the dog’s head and started to scratch it.

 

“Not fair! I’ve been feeding her for the last couple of weeks and she won’t come near me!” Jun whined and pouted. Masaki held him by the wrist and put Jun’s hand on the dog’s back Jun smiled and petted it.

 

The dog wouldn’t let them get near the puppies for the next couple of days, but then one day they could and Masaki found Jun relaxed better around the dogs and he was more happy, more childish, maybe more happily childish when he was around them. He liked that laughter. It seemed so free.

 

It didn’t last too long, though. A day they weren’t very careful and a kid from the elementary school saw them. Monsignor Kitagawa wasn’t pleased, and they had to spend an afternoon licking envelopes for the invitations to the play the school was presenting the next month. They never knew about Doris or the pups again and the hole in the barn was sealed.

 

Jun had cried. He made Masaki promise that he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Masaki assured him that nobody would know and held him tighter.

 

That night he had the kiss dream again. He woke up crying. He felt like he had to open his eyes and see the person he wanted to kiss, but he couldn’t and it was frustrating. He was glad Satoshi didn’t notice.

 

As the presentation of the play grew nearer, Jun’s mood grew sourer. He sat by himself rehearsing his lines in silence. Sho wasn’t interested enough to make him stop worrying. Kazu and Satoshi were afraid of the temper of the youngest, so they kept quiet. Masaki walked to him a couple of days before the play and put a hand on his shoulder. “Stop worrying, it’ll be perfect.” He said and felt the tension leaving the younger’s shoulder under his hand.

 

It had been perfect. At least Jun’s performance was. Most of the town was in their courtyard, the girl that had kissed Masaki kept trying to get next to him, but Father Nakai wouldn’t let him come near her. He just smiled embarrassedly at her and gave an apologetic nod before turning away.

 

Every other Friday was mail day. They were allowed to send letters to their loved ones (actually, they were obligated to write to their parents since the second commandment said _Honor thy mother and thy father_ ), and they received mail. Masaki often received loving letters from his mother and brother, occasionally from his father too. Sho and Satoshi received letters from their mothers on regular basis too. Kazu received a rosary almost every time, since he always claimed he had lost them, but Masaki knew they were in the storage room where he liked to sit and do the crossword puzzles that occasionally his parents also sent him.

 

Jun, on the other hand, seldom got letters. Masaki had the opportunity to see one once: the paper seemed awfully large for the three lines written in a typewriter (and one of them was Dear Jun). He hadn’t been able to read it because Jun put it away quickly. It made Masaki feel kind of sad.

 

The students in St. John’s were allowed to return home in the summer and Christmas. But some of them stayed behind. Sho was one of them, though if she was able to do it; his mother would come to the school and visit him. Jun was another. Satoshi, Masaki and Kazunari went home every time.

 

The summer before Sho, Satoshi and Masaki’s senior year, Masaki decided that Neither Sho or Jun should expend another summer in school. Satoshi’s family lived in the same town as his so Maybe Satoshi could host one of them and Masaki the other. Kazu’s house was in the next town, they could see each other at least a couple of days on the holidays.

 

At first Jun wasn’t sure, but as the summer approached he started to act less reluctant, until he finally wrote to his mother about it. He said she had written back saying that she thought it was an excellent idea.

 

Getting up from bed late and not having to pray the first Angelus of the day was pure glory. Or so Jun said. Masaki only grinned at him. Masaki’s mother decided they could share a bed and since Jun didn’t protest, that’s how they did it. They helped around in the Aiba family restaurant in the morning. In the afternoon, they’d go looking for Satoshi and Sho. They flirted with the girls around the central square. They’d go and swim in the river nearby in only their briefs scandalizing maidens and housewives. They even humored Masaki with his experiments.

 

Liz, a girl who lived near Satoshi’s house, had ‘ _fallen in love with Jun at first sight_ ’, as she claimed. The boy didn’t seem against her either. One late evening, as Masaki looked for Jun to return home, he saw him leaning over her. Masaki wanted to look away but as he ever did, he just watched his friend as his mouth opened and trapped her bottom lip and she hugged him tighter. He cleared his throat and they separated. Jun was way too polite to get Masaki in trouble with his family so he just said goodbye. After dinner, they lay on the bed in silence.

 

“Are you mad?” Jun asked suddenly.

 

“No. Not at all.”

 

“You are too serious.”

 

“I was thinking what Father Nakai would have done to you if he was the one who found you instead of me.” He giggled and tensed to receive the punch to his arm.

 

“I guess he’d wash my mouth with hand soap,” He said mockingly.

 

“And cane you… she was hugging you.” Jun giggled too. “Did you… umh… touch her?”

 

“No.” He answered fast. As if he was defending himself. Masaki hummed and scratched his shin, shifting on the bed. “We are going to the confessionary on Saturday? Right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good.”

 

They fell asleep short after that. That night Masaki had the kiss dream again, and he struggled to open his eyes. Only this time he was able to open them, and the first thing he saw was Jun. It took him a couple of panicked seconds to recognize him in his bed, sleeping. To know that he wasn’t dreaming anymore. When he finally managed to calm down enough, he sighed in relief. He wondered to what level of hell the guys who wanted to kiss guys went, before dismissing the thought and telling himself that he just wanted to open his eyes so bad in his sleep that he opened them for real.

 

The sun had been up by then but his mother didn’t come to wake them up for a long while more. The whole time Masaki was praying silently for God to take that thought away from his head. For some reason he felt grumpy the whole day. He answered curtly every time Jun talked to him. In the afternoon, when they met Liz and later Satoshi and Sho, he kept silent, talking only when prompted.

 

The sun was almost set as the two of them walked back to Masaki’s house.

 

“Do you like her?” Jun said cautiously.

 

“Who?” Masaki didn’t know what he was talking about.

 

“Liz” Masaki shook his head forcing a chuckle. “Then why are you angry?”

 

“I am not.”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

“Am not.”

 

“Do you miss the candy girl?” Masaki stopped to look at him. Jun halted too.

 

“No. I haven’t seen her since… and I don’t like her–She kissed me.” Jun shrugged his shoulders and started to walk again.

 

“Is it because you don’t like Liz?” This was Masaki’s turn to shrug. He didn’t know how to answer, because that wasn’t it either, but it was maybe closer to the truth.

 

Next day Jun broke up with her.

 

“Bless me father for I have sinned” Masaki said after kneeling down inside the confessionary booth. It was nice not having to do a two hours queue to be able to do that for a change. The priest gave him his blessing and after all the formalities required he started, “I’ve been dreaming about kissing someone.” He said slowly.

 

“Who would that be, Masaki?”

 

“Someone I know.” He answered biting his lip.

 

“You have to tell me everything, son.” Masaki clicked his tongue and sighed. “The Lord Loves you…”

 

“It’s my friend from school.”

 

“You go to an all-boy… oh…” The priest stopped himself and repeated. “Oh.”

 

“I don’t know why. I don’t really want to, but I keep dreaming that.”

 

“The devil tempt us however it can. You must ignore the dreams and don’t let them wander into your mind.”

 

“I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Pray.” Masaki sighed and nodded, though he wasn’t sure the priest could see him through the screen. “Is that all, my son?”

 

Masaki continued to tell the priest he had been envious of his friend who got himself a girlfriend; that he had disobeyed his parents; that he had used the word Dumbass at least three times that he remembered. At the end, his penance included a bunch of Our Fathers and a whole lot of Hail Maries. He kneeled down Next to Satoshi and was followed by Jun. The way his mouth pouted as he prayed in silence and the closeness made Masaki so unfocused that he figured that he better stop and start all over, since he was sinning again already.

 

It was a few days before they had to go back to school. Masaki woke up feeling a weird tickle on his chin. He opened his eyes though he wasn’t awake yet, Jun was looking at him. His gaze was kind of intense. Masaki stirred stretching realizing the tickle had been Jun’s hand on his face.

 

“They sent me to St. Johns because I’m a tainted child” Jun said when Masaki seemed more awake.

 

“What?” He knew it had sounded somewhat stupid. He noticed the sun wasn’t up yet and the lights were off as far as he could see.

 

“That’s what grandmother said.” Jun said as if Masaki could follow the conversation when he had just awoken. Masaki tried hard to understand what he was being told.

 

“What does that mean?” He said when he finally gathered his thoughts enough to try to understand what Jun was saying. Jun just shrugged and crossed his arms around his chest. “Jun?”

 

“Dad thinks I’m not his child.” He sighed and averted his eyes from Masaki’s face.

 

“What?” Masaki realized he had asked the same three times already but his barely functioning head couldn’t do more.

 

“He says if I was his real son he would not lust after me.” He answered scratching his nose. “My whole family says I’m a sullied child.”

 

“It… it can’t be your fault…” Masaki said reaching forward to pat him on the shoulder.

 

“That’s what I used to think, but…” Jun said and his voice trailed off until it couldn’t be heard.

 

“But?”

 

“You heard Liz, she fell for me at first sight. She even told me she was willing to go all the way…”

 

“That happens, not to anyone I know, but, aren’t there like a zillion books about people falling at first sight?”

 

“She wasn’t my first kiss.” Jun moved to be on his back to avoid to be looked directly and to evade seeing his friend. Masaki didn’t say anything. “Liz wasn’t my second kiss. She wasn’t the third. She wasn’t –I… lost count.”

 

Masaki sat on the bed trying to make his friend face with the faint of the moon light seeping through the windows. It must have been full moon because he could see him perfectly. Jun turned his embarrassed face away. Masaki wanted to ask whom, he wanted to know who could take such liberties with Jun. But at the same time he feared what he would say.

 

“So maybe he isn’t my father after all, right?” Jun sighed.

 

“Did you… did he ever…?” Masaki was trying to ask, but his voice couldn’t do it.

 

“No.” Jun said. “That’s why I can’t go home in the summers or Christmas. So I won’t disgrace myself and my father even more.”

 

“I’m sorry Jun.” Masaki said because he didn’t know what else to do.

 

“No, I’m sorry, Masaki.” Jun said sitting on the bed and looking into his eyes. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

For a moment Masaki couldn’t breathe, their faces were close and his eyes so intense. The desire to lean in and kiss him overflew his body. He could stop himself, but then he could feel Jun’s breath on his skin.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jun repeated before turning away and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Masaki reprised the apology. “Don’t apologize. It’s me. I’m a rotted person.”

 

Not knowing what else to do he kneeled behind him and held Jun to his chest. “You have been saying my name in your sleep. I had to tell you… you had to know it’s not your fault.”

 

“I have?” Masaki was confused. “Do I disgust you?” Jun shook his head and his hair tickled Masaki. “Good, let’s sleep then.” He said dragging Jun back into bed.

 

“You won’t tell anyone, right?” Jun asked as they lay on their backs.

 

“I promise.” Masaki said and took Jun’s hand in his. At first Jun tensed but then relaxed. Soon both were asleep. In the morning they were still holding hands.

 

The last weekend they agreed to go camping with Kazu, and then take the train to St. Johns together. They divided the shores. Satoshi and Sho would be in charge of setting the tent they borrowed from Masaki’s father. Kazu would build a fire. Masaki and Jun would bring water from a well not too far from the camp.

 

The morning wasn’t over yet as they walked to the place where the well was carrying a bucket. They weren’t talking but it was good. Masaki played with the bucket throwing it into the air and catching it before it hit the ground.

 

“Stop it.” Jun said annoyed.

 

“I’m not going to break it.” Masaki replied in a playful tone.

 

“I know, but it’s getting on my nerves.” Masaki threw it again weighing Jun’s reaction. The latter only clicked his tongue still irritated. So Masaki repeated it. Jun pushed him lightly by the shoulder. Masaki pushed back. “Stop it.” Jun said pushing him a bit more aggressively. The taller boy furrowed his eyebrows and pushed back equally hostilely. Before either of them could reconsider what they were doing, they were rolling on the floor fighting. At some point Masaki came to his senses and Jun took over the fight while the other one just tried to keep him from harming him or himself.

 

“Why are you so angry?” Masaki yelled holding him by the wrists, but since Jun was straddling him around his waist, he was pretty much trapped against the ground. “You’re going to hurt me! Stop it Jun!”

 

“You were going to kiss me…” He grunted, and his voice sounded like he was crying. Though in the middle of the ruckus Aiba couldn’t see him well. “You were going to kiss me and you backed away…” He repeated and stopped moving, his hands were held midway “Do I disgust you?”

 

Masaki let go of the hands and hugged him when he fell on top. At first, since he wasn’t seeing what he was doing, his mouth landed on the side of Jun’s face. It took some adjusting but then they were kissing. With Jun there wasn’t strawberries or candies, he smelled earthy and his lips felt even softer than hers. It was wet and more exciting. Masaki gasped for air and then Jun’s tongue was in his mouth and it made his head almost explode. Maybe it was another part of his body.

 

They didn’t want to stop, but they did because they realized they had taken too long to get the water.

 

“Don’t” The older one said when Jun started to apologize. “It was amazing, so don’t, Okay?” He said pecking Jun one more time. But Jun didn’t seem comfortable.

 

“I tainted you.” He adventured as they finished the way to the well.

 

“I wasn’t very pure to begin with.”

 

“I’m so…”

 

“Save it. The way I see it we both did wrong. So save it for the priest.” Jun sighed but seemed less uncomfortable. “Plus I dunno if I will ever be forgiven for this… I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all.”

 

They arrived to the well. It was inside a man’s farm but people were allowed to take water. A middle aged man hailed them as they stepped inside the property.

 

“You know we cannot do _that_ again, right?” Masaki ceased propelling the water pump and looked at Jun who was tonguing the bruise on his lip, and protecting himself with his arms wrapped around his chest. It wasn’t that it was only logical that they won’t be kissing anymore, but the fact that he didn’t realize before how much he wanted it again. He nodded and resumed pumping.

 

They started to walk back to the camp. Masaki took the first turn carrying the water bucket. As soon as they were out of the farm and out of sight of anyone passing by he left the bucket on the ground.

 

“Are you already tired?” Jun began teasing, “You have zero stamina! You…” and had to stop because Masaki was holding him fast against himself.

 

“If we are not going to do it again, let’s not finish yet then.”

 

Jun mouth was against his as soon as his brain caught up with the message. Masaki leaned his back against a tree taking over him as much as Jun’s body as he could. Jun put his knee between his as they devoured each other and it was better, it felt like the world was over and this was heavenly.

 

“Let’s stop…”Jun gasped pushing himself off of Masaki. But he was held too tight to be able to. “Let’s stop.” He repeated more firmly. “Unless you want to explain the soiled pants to Sho and the rest.”

 

Masaki had to admit defeat and his head rested on Jun’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a moment before regaining their composure. They picked up the bucket, and started walking again. When they arrived to the camp they didn’t explain about dirty pants but why the hell did they took almost an hour and a half for a 20 minutes trip. Luckily Masaki could distract them with his ranting. It made Jun wonder if his _foolishness_ was just an act.

 

They were on the train on their way back to St. John’s. All five of them were exhausted. The guys had barely slept. Between the jokes around the campfire, the contests about who could pee, spit or come farther and being cramped in an old tent with holes in its floor that smelled like cat with a bunch of guys trying to prove whose fart was the smelliest.

 

They barely had a couple of hours of sleep. Now they sat in one of the train’s booths immersed in a pleasant slumber. Kazu’s head had lolled around until he found Satoshi’s shoulder and he snuggled against him, who in turn was propped against Sho. The latter had his arms crossed tightly around his chest and his head bowed down. Masaki had his head against the window and Jun had made a pillow out of his jacket and slept the other way.

 

One of Masaki’s hands was pillowing his head, the other lay by his side on the seat as he looked sleepily out the window. His head wouldn’t stop repeating over and over again what happened with Jun. He felt like he had lost something, something he wouldn’t be able to get back ever again. And it broke his heart. Then he turned to see his friend beside him and Jun’s hand was lying less than an inch from his. Without thinking about it, he reached and his little finger brushed Jun’s. The younger boy shifted and their eyes met for a second before both closed their eyes and just stayed there, their hands barely touching.

 

As soon as classes began, they had a lot of work to do. It seemed priests wanted to make up for the lost time during the holidays as if they suspected they had too much fun and wanted to punish them for it.

 

First Monday they sat at the library each armed with new notebooks and pencils. Sho usually sat in front of Masaki, but today he was late. Satoshi and he had gone ahead since Sho had been held back for yelling a new student for leaving his mess after he ate at the dining hall. Satoshi sat beside him as they usually did. Kazu and Jun were running late too. When they arrived they said they had been held back by Father Kimura to help him to put away some books. Jun sat in front of Masaki, when he usually sat beside Sho. Nino took his usual place next to Satoshi. Masaki looked up a little surprised, but Jun smiled softly and he just smiled back before going back to his homework.

 

They were in silence as they did whatever they had to do. Satoshi taking peaks at Masaki’s papers to see if he had gotten it right. Sho was usually who corrected them, but since he wasn’t around, they did the best they could. Jun stretched his legs and one of them hit Masaki’s. He looked at him, but he seemed too engrossed with the book he had to summarize as he bit his pencil. Masaki did not  move his leg and Jun’s just rested against it.

 

Sho was back for supper, his hands were sore because he had to write “ _I will not let wrath lead my life. My life is led by God_ ” one hundred times. Satoshi and Masaki offered their homework, but Sho refused, saying it was probably wrong anyways. Masaki pouted and muttered he probably deserved one hundred more, making Kazu and Jun snigger. As they walked back to their rooms Masaki put his hand on Jun’s shoulder and squeezed fondly, Jun turned pink and smiled before saying goodbye.

 

The mild physical contact continued for the first weeks. It made Masaki feel heavy, like if he had been filled with led. Satoshi, who most of the time was really oblivious noted something was happening. Masaki just smiled and looked at him as if he was crazy.

 

Since the beginning of the school year he had been experimenting with soap bubbles, he had perfected the formula for the bubbles to last longer adding some glycerin to the liquid. He now wanted to make a super bubble.

 

He had to beg for a few of days for the priests to lend him one of the big tubs in the laundry and move it to the bathroom, and to volunteer the ingredients needed for it. Jun was there to assist him and make sure he wouldn’t get into much trouble. From the door, some other students supervised the experiment with skeptical smirks on their faces.

 

The showers room consisted in a series of stalls with no doors so the priests could supervise as they washed themselves. There was a corridor in the middle where Masaki put the tub and filled it with just a little water. He had made a hoop out of wire and he tried a couple of times splattering the walls and floor. But then it came a big bubble. When it was done, some of their classmates came in to try to do it themselves. Then Father Kimura came to tell them gently that they had to go to the confessionary now. Except for Masaki who had to clean up. Jun asked for permission to stay behind and help. The dry soap from the early experimentation was proving to be challenging to remove.

 

“Hey Jun!” Masaki called and when Jun turned around he blew some foam he had in his hand to his face. Laughing at the grimace he had made, Masaki retreated with a challenging grin. Jun just glared and let him go back to work and get distracted before he grabbed a handful of foam and passed his hand over Masaki’s face.

 

Masaki spat the soap that had gone into his mouth and grinned trying to look around for more foam but it was mostly gone, he ran (slipping a little) and took some and then he aimed for Jun, who stuck his tongue out and started to run to the back to the bathroom. The younger boy was sneakier so Masaki took some time to trap him inside a stall and his hand was mostly out of foam so he just put it to Jun’s cheek.

 

Their eyes met for a second, the bathroom was silent, except for their hard breathing. The next second Masaki was leaning to him. Jun’s mouth was open, ready to receive him.

 

Masaki passed his hand around Jun’s waist to pull him closer, but then there were some steps getting closer so he shot out of the stall and picked up the first rag he could, Jun just stayed there.

 

“Are you done, guys?” Father Nagase’s voice was heard before they could see him. He was one of the youngest priests and he was pretty lighthearted. He even covered for them sometimes, when he thought other priests were too strict.

 

“Almost” Masaki called forcing his voice to be energetic.

 

“Hurry up then, before the other priests leave the confessionary booths.” He said perkily and went away.

 

Jun finally left the stall with a sigh of relief.

 

“Are you going to confess this?” Jun asked and his voice came out mildly broke as they quickly did whatever that was left to do. Masaki shook his head.

 

“What’s the point?” He said after a while as he examined the bathroom for something he might have overlooked. “You are supposed to confess things that you regret doing. I told you I don’t regret this.” He turned around to face Jun. “Do you?” Jun didn’t say anything and Masaki sighed.

 

“I just don’t want to stop.” Jun whispered almost to his ear as they passed the mop over the floor one last time.

 

“Me neither.” Masaki whispered back. But they were unable to say more because Nino came bouncing and babbling.

 

Next day after mass, they weren’t allowed to go to town, so they did homework at Sho and Jun’s room. Masaki was sitting on Jun’s bed, his back propped against a wall, reading a book. Jun was next to him a lot closer than he should be, but not one of the others noticed. Jun was scribbling down on a notebook. On the other bed Sho explained to Satoshi some equation while Nino copied something sprawled on the floor.

 

Masaki felt the slight tap of a pencil on his forearm and turned to see Jun, who was holding his notebook in an angle so he could read something he had written.

 

“Let’s talk.” It said. Masaki looked at everyone else. No one seemed to be interested in anything around them, so he nodded. Jun moved his notebook to be able to write something else. “I’m going to your room, follow me in 5 minutes.” It said, but then Jun scrawled something more “You tell you’re going to the restroom.” Masaki nodded slightly again.

 

Jun got up leaving his notebook behind.

 

“Where are you going?” Sho said without taking his eyes from the notebook he was holding.

 

“I’m thirsty.” He said before going out the door.

 

Masaki tried to read a few more lines but he just couldn’t concentrate, and when he thought five minutes had passed, he also got up. Sho asked him the same, he just answered with, “I’m going to take a leak” and left.

 

Jun was sitting on his bed when he went into the room he shared with Satoshi. Masaki sat next to him and for a moment they just stared to the plain wall in front of them.

 

“Did you confess…” Masaki started but trailed off.

 

“I said I couldn’t get someone out of my head.”

 

“I said I had dirty thoughts about someone.”

 

“Did he ask you who?”

 

“Yes, but I just told him it didn’t matter. Did he ask you?”

 

“No, he just told me to pray.”

 

“That’s what he told me too.” They stopped talking after that.

 

“My heart is beating so hard.” Jun said grabbing his own chest as if it hurt.

 

Masaki leaned to him and put his head on his shoulder. Jun closed his eyes feeling him, wringing his hands. The taller boy turned his face to caress Jun’s neck with his nose and lips, taking all the smell he could from it, and the other’s breath stopped.

 

“Let’s not do it in here.” Jun gasped as he stood up. “Sho and the others are waiting.”

 

“I… I…” Masaki tried to say, but he realized it didn’t matter, he just stood up and kissed him. He pushed Jun against the door and just let his mouth open and receive Jun’s tongue.

 

Jun had to push off him hard to be able to stop. “I’m going first, wait a little before coming back.”

 

Monday and Tuesday were hellish for Masaki with the teasing touches, the wishing glances and the longing growing. By Wednesday, he felt stretched and impatient. His basketball teammates looked at him with caution as they put away the balls. He just disappeared then, running to the auditorium where the drama club would be meeting. Jun was on stage. He was doing something with other two guys while the rest observed from the stands. When they finished, the teacher congratulated them and called it a wrap. Masaki went out and waited for Jun.

 

He grabbed his younger friend by the elbow and dragged him towards the abandoned barn. At that hour, most of the students were going to the library or their rooms. And Masaki double checked if someone had seen them. Once he was certain no one was around, he hugged Jun tight. But the younger’s hands remained limp at his sides.

 

“I’m sorry Jun… I’m… sorry.” Masaki said with his head buried on his neck. “It’s okay if we don’t do anything, just let me stay like this a little longer…”

 

It took a couple of moments of hesitation before Jun held him back. One of his hands were on Masaki’s hair, and the other around his back, both stroking him. The older boy just tightened his grip around his waist. Jun’s mouth began caressing his brow, his temple, wherever it could reach. Masaki just had to move a little before their lips met. It was sweet, slow.

 

“God, Jun, you’re so addictive…” Masaki gasped as he pulled back just a little to breathe. He tried to put his mouth to Jun again but he had just pulled back completely and now was pushing him by the chest.

 

“Let me go.” His voice sounded serious despite the hitched breathing. “That’s what my father used to say. Let me go.”

 

Masaki looked at his eyes, and there it was. All the hurt and fear. “I’m sorry.” He said releasing the body between his arms. “I’m going first.” He said in a depressed tone. “I’m sorry.”

 

However, just when he was turning around to go, Jun stopped him by the wrist. “Tomorrow, after cleaning duties, meet me in the attic, Kazu won’t be there tomorrow.” He said before planting a kiss on his cheek and pushing him.

 

Masaki sat on an old school desk, and Jun stood between his legs. His tongue was inside his younger schoolmate’s mouth, both were shivering and breathing hard. His hands ran across Jun’s back stopping lower each time he got down and back up. The younger’s body was moving against him rubbing their bodies together. Suddenly Jun’s breath halted and his arms held him tighter before going limp in his arms. For a moment he didn’t know what happened. When he did, Masaki squeezed him harder and kept moving until reaching climax too. They didn’t talk about it as they put themselves together again.

 

“Bless me, father, for I have sinned.” Masaki said as soon as he was kneeling down on the confessionary booth.

 

“How long since your last confession?” The priest asked him, though both knew it.

 

“A week.”

 

“Tell me your sins, Son.” Masaki started with the usual, cussing, disobedience. He could see the priest nod through the screen. “Is that all?”

 

“Is it a sin to be in love with someone? I mean, to love someone more than one self.”

 

“I don’t think God is against love, son. Who is the fortunate girl?”

 

“Someone I found recently.”

 

“Have you done sinful things with her?”

 

“Kisses and stuff.”

 

“Be careful, son, because in the flesh lies the sin.”

 

“Is it really a sin to kiss?”

 

“Only if you don’t love her. If you don’t plan to marry her and give her a proper life. If you soil her body and leave her, that is the sin, doing it out of lust, and not out of love.”

 

“How do you know the difference?”

 

“Ask yourself that if you couldn’t touch her or were able to be with her, if you’d still love her. If you’d still marry her.”

 

“I don’t think they’d let us marry.”

 

The priest sighed. “Just treat her with respect. And that means don’t let us catch you disgracing her body. Do you understand?” He said after a moment of silence.

 

“Thank you Father.”

 

Then the priest gave him his penance. He felt relieved after his talk with the priest. Masaki walked to the chapel and kneeled down next to Jun, probably closer than he had to. Smiling to himself.

 

He didn’t touch Jun the following week. He wanted to know. He wanted to do what the priest had said. Sho started to notice how his roommate seemed down, and Sho usually didn’t notice anything around him that wasn’t related to schoolwork. Aiba had declined every invitation or silent caress. Until Jun cornered him at the storage room after basketball practice.

 

“Are you regretting this already?” He said quietly, helping him to put away the basketballs, “I don’t blame, you. I just wished you’d tell me directly.”

 

“I don’t regret it.” Masaki said firmly, taking his hand. “I talked to a priest, and he said if it’s love it’s okay.”

 

“You told him about me!” Jun’s face was slightly panicked.

 

“I told him about a person I love. I didn’t tell him your name. He didn’t ask.”

 

“Love?”

 

“Yes. That’s why I needed to be away. To know.” Masaki pulled him closer and kissed him on the brow.

 

“Know…” Jun looked at him with a confused grimace.

 

“He said if it was really love I could do without touching you, and still feel in love.”

 

“Do you?”

 

“Yeah.” Masaki hugged him. “I’d marry you if I could.”

 

“I am not a girl.”

 

“That’s why I can’t marry you.” They stayed like that for a while until someone came to see why they were taking too long.

 

Drama club made a test run for their Fall play presentation. Students that wanted to, could sit and watch it, but it was not an obligation. Jun’s friends sat through it, even if he actually didn’t want them to. When he was on stage, they knew why: he was playing a girl.

 

“Jun looks kinda good as a gal, doesn’t he?” Kazu whispered to Masaki’s ear. He furrowed his brow but he was thinking more or less the same. He sighed.

 

At the end of it he manage to send the rest of them back to Sho’s room. And hanging behind with the pretext of helping them put away the props. He followed Jun backstage, to the room he had used to change clothes. Masaki closed the door behind himself carefully so that nobody saw him go inside after Jun. 

 

The younger jumped when he realized he wasn’t alone. He was trying to unbutton the dress he was wearing. Masaki walked towards him and held him by the waist.

 

“Dance with me.” He said, and Jun’s eyes went from utter mockery to disbelief.

 

“There’s no music.”

 

“I’ll hum…” Masaki chuckled taking him as the rhythm in his head dictated. Jun just humored him. “If either of us were a girl, we could get married.” He said after a couple of minutes and Jun Just nodded without looking him in the eye. Then Masaki stopped moving and took Jun’s head between his hands. “The thing is, I didn’t fell in love with this…” He said smearing the make up on Jun’s face. “I fell in love with a boy.”

 

“Stop saying that kind of things.” Jun said pushing him away. “Just help me to get out of this dress.”

 

Masaki unbuttoned the worn dress, probably of all the times guys in the drama club had used it. He uncovered Jun’s back and he couldn’t restrain a little kiss to his shoulder. “I better be going.” He said taking all his self-control to walk away. “Hurry up, everyone’s waiting upstairs.”

 

By the time it was Christmas time, Masaki had convinced Jun and Sho to come with them again. Jun got permission, but Sho didn’t, because his mother was coming to St. Johns to spend the holidays with him.

They arrived the Aibas’ house in the evening. Mrs. Aiba had the dinner ready and on the table to receive them. Masaki started to feel somewhat giddy as they made their way to the last room, his room. The sheets were freshly laid. Both boys got into their pajamas without taking notice of each other, and went to bed.

 

Lights on the house were extinguished and Masaki couldn’t stand any more of the heat coming from the body next to his. “Jun…” He called softly. “Are you sleeping?”

 

“No.” the response came quiet too.

 

Masaki turned to his side to face him, though he couldn’t see him, since moon wasn’t out yet. He let his hand wander through the sheets and the heavy blankets until he found Jun’s arm. The other boy shuddered at contact. He asked for permission to continue, which was granted first with a nod that he felt on the vibrations on the bed than seen it, then with a barely heard _yes_. His hand traced his arm, and Jun didn’t move. He moved closer and his hand had reached the shoulder. He then feathered his fingers over his chest and abdomen. Masaki pulled the fabric of his pajamas to unveil the skin under it. Jun’s breathing hitched as their skin touched.

 

The younger boy shifted at last, getting flush against Masaki kissing his face, trying to reach his mouth in the darkness, and his hands being not as cautioned as the other one’s had been as he touched the skin under the pajamas. Their tops were soon lost and it was the first time they were this naked when they made out.

 

They were so enthralled with each other that they almost missed the steps coming closer. But Jun pushed apart and started feeling around for his pajama top. They got re-dressed and remained limp on the bed by the time the door opened. Mrs. Aiba held a candle, she looked inside the room for a second and entered to pick up the clothes Masaki had left on the floor when changing before going out and closing the door behind her. Both sighed in relief once she was gone. Jun giggled softly. Probably out of nervousness. Masaki leaned over him using one of his hands to locate his mouth and placed a chaste kiss on it. They didn’t try again that night. But just as they fell asleep with their hands intertwined he thought he heard Jun’s voice. “I love you too.”

 

It was a lazy afternoon just after Christmas, their holiday had been pretty much hectic and this was the first time they were alone since the first night. This afternoon Satoshi had something to do with his family, his parents were at the restaurant and the afternoon was his brother Yuusuke turn to work. So they started a game of cards before they got distracted by each other and started to kiss. Now they had been doing it for quite a while. Their embrace was desperate. Jun was over Masaki, his leg digging between his, moving in a way turned out really pleasant. “Stop Jun. I’m…” Masaki said pushing him away.

 

Jun smiled sitting up. “I got an Idea.” He whispered his hands resting on Masaki’s belt. He was asking permission without words and Masaki just nodded. He had touched himself. As much as pretty much any other boy his age. This was the first time someone else was touching him. Then Jun’s mouth was on his hip, giving it a wet kiss. And the next thing he knew Jun was kissing the tip of his cock. 

 

“No.” He pushed the younger away. “What are you doing? It’s dirty!”

 

“It’s the only way to not stain anything.” He said. “I’ll just swallow it.” His hand was still on the base of his shaft. Masaki’s hand was holding his shoulder so he couldn’t lean over again.

 

Masaki hesitated a moment, then he released Jun saying a quiet _Okay_. Jun put his mouth again to the tip kissing it and then using his tongue to trace it. The other was trembling and he couldn’t find what to do with his hands. Jun took the tip of the penis on his mouth caressing it with his tongue, swirling and sucking. It didn’t take long before he came.

 

“Can I have a glass of water.” Jun said after a while. Masaki wasn’t moving.

 

“Of course.” He scrambled to stand up and to put his clothes back on. Jun watched him from the bed where he was still kneeled down. He just turned back to him and kissed him deep, but briefly before going to get what he was asked for.

 

When he went back to the room. Jun was just sitting there, his legs over the edge of the bed and he was touching his lips. Masaki sat beside him and gave him the glass. “You don’t have to do it for me.” Jun said, when he saw the preoccupied look on the other’s face.

 

“It was amazing, Jun.” He whispered. “I want you to feel the same.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be now.”

 

“I want to.” He answered kneeling in front of him and taking his pants down enough to be able to start. The taste wasn’t as bad as he first thought. But every whimper, bit down moan or gasp Jun was making was worth it. He almost threw up when he tried to swallow, because he wasn’t prepared for it.

 

“Are you okay?” Jun went down to his knees quickly to aid Masaki, who nodded. When the older boy was sure he wasn’t going to throw up he looked up smiling.

 

“Did it feel good?”

 

“Remarkable.” Jun smiled back brightly.

 

 

Christmas holidays weren’t as long as summer’s. The day before they had to take the train back, Masaki lay on Satoshi’s bed, and by his side, Jun had his head pillowed by his belly. Satoshi and Kazu had gone down to the kitchen to prepare some hot cocoa. And they were permitting themselves a moment to be close.

 

“You are going to graduate this summer.” Jun said suddenly. Sitting up. Facing away.

 

“Yes.” Dread and sadness started to invade him. It seemed they wanted to say something else, but neither of them did. They just played cards with Satoshi and Kazu the rest of the afternoon.

 

The seniors found themselves with a lot of homework. Masaki’s grades began slipping because he just wanted to finish and being able to go looking for Jun and just spend a few moments by his side.

 

“You think I rather cure you, than just hang out with everybody?” Jun said as he put some ointment on Masaki’s back. He just had been caned for failing most of his tests. It wasn’t as bad as it was when it happened to Kazu, but still he had some open wounds. Masaki sniffed trying to hold back some tears.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” Jun ran his hand through Masaki’s hair.

 

“It’d be easier if we could meet more often.” He adventured hopefully.

 

“I think is better if we don’t meet.” Masaki buried his face on the bed and this time he was crying for real. “Masaki? Don’t cry, please?” Jun said still stroking his hair. “You’re going to graduate this summer.”

 

“So?” He said turning to Jun, letting him see his tears.

 

“I still have one more year to go. When I’m done, I’m probably going to be sent to study at a university… You… you probably have your parents’ restaurant. We cannot get married… even if both of us would do it in a heartbeat…”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I just… I’m going to drive myself crazy when you’re gone…” Jun sighed and looked up as if the paint cracked on the ceiling was really interesting. “I just want to try to not think about this…”

 

They remained in silence. Outside they could hear the cheery voices of their schoolmates. Satoshi was over to Sho’s, the same as Nino. Masaki sighed, “Isn’t there a way we could be together after all.” Jun just kept his mouth shut. “Maybe I’ll just steal you and run away.”

 

Jun giggled as if it was the most amusing idea he’d heard ever. “Take me where?”

 

“Spain, Portugal, México! World’s our house!” Jun laughed and pushed him a little so he could lie on the bed beside him.

 

“And what would we do? For a living?” Jun turned to see him. Masaki eyes were moist of the crying he had done earlier but his smile was as big as always.

 

“We could work for a factory or start another restaurant…”

 

The door opening and Satoshi coming inside interrupted them. Jun jumped out of bed just in time to Satoshi not to notice. He gave a flustered goodbye and walked away.

 

Aiba was straddling Jun’s legs. Both were under an unused desk inside the attic. From where they were, they could see how Kazunari’s rosaries were projecting pretty lights to the floor a few feet away.

 

Masaki passed all his tests, and they were celebrating. Jun had not allowed him to go near him until his grades got better. Their embrace was desperate, and their mouths opened wide trying to swallow as much as they could. That desperation might have been what made them a little careless. They didn’t hear the door open, or the steps growing closer. It was until the other one cleared his throat that they realized that they weren’t alone.  Masaki jumped out of their hiding place, scraping his elbow in the process. Jun looked numbly at the third boy.

 

“So… this is why you’ve been disappearing?” Kazu was standing just next to the desk. Masaki passed his hand over his mouth nervously, hoping to clean most of the saliva. Jun just retreated his legs and was hiding his face behind his knees. “Interesting…”

 

“Oh god!” Jun whimpered.

 

“Kazu?” Masaki started to speak. “You’re not telling anyone, right?”

 

Their friend’s face was serious, looking from one to the other. His jaw clenched and unclenched for a while before he answered, “You think you’re the first ones I catch doing that… in here?” His face breaking in a playful smile.

 

Masaki looked at his face for traces of meanness or something. But Kazu’s face was mostly understanding.  The other one looked up from his knees curiously.

 

“I sort of suspected something had happened between you after summer vacations.” Kazu said smugly.

 

“Great… has anyone else…?” Jun got out from under the desk, his voice was annoyed.

 

“Nah… Satoshi is too much of a spazz and Sho too self-involved to notice.”

 

“Who else?” Masaki asked.

 

“What?”

 

“You said we weren’t the first, so who else?”

 

“I cannot tell… I promised them, as I am promising you I won’t tell…”

 

“Not even in confession?” Jun said, worried.

 

“No, it’s not my sin to tell.” They stood awkwardly for a moment. “Well if you want to keep going, I don’t mind just don’t make much noise.” Kazu said walking towards the place he liked to sit while doing his crossword puzzles, where all the rosaries his parents had sent him over the years deflected the light. “It’s okay…” He continued when he saw the incredulous faces. “I’ll even tell you if someone else is coming.” He sat on the broken sofa and pulled out today’s crossword puzzle.

 

Masaki and Jun looked at each other briefly before going back under the desk. In a less compromising position this time, sitting side by side. They kissed shyly and just stayed there holding hands and talking in small voices. Kazu just kept doing what he was doing. At dinnertime, all three of them went down to the dining hall finding a suspicious Satoshi and cranky Sho. Kazu kept his promise, and even helped to divert the others’ attention.

 

They spent quite a few afternoons at the attic, with Kazu as lookout. It seemed safer that way. They would cover Kazu in his cleaning duties so he could go and hide in exchange. Jun would try to distance himself from everything, but it only took a longing glance or a shy smile to make him go after Masaki. They avoided talking about graduation, but now it was just a couple of months away,  and they couldn’t run from it anymore.

 

“Just… please… come with me…” Masaki would beg in a quiet voice.

 

“And do what? I’m just a stupid brat without skills!” Jun would answer.

 

“I’ll take care of you…”

 

“You are just another stupid kid without skills.”

 

“I can get a job. We could go to the capital and get jobs.”

 

“With what money!”

 

“I can sell my part of the restaurant to Yusuke”

 

“Or…” Kazu’s voice rose above theirs and they were startled. “You could go and work on your own for a year, wait for Jun to finish high school and then take care of him.” For a moment neither of the other two moved or breathed then they both giggled apprehensively.

 

“But that sounds like plan.” Masaki said softly. “I could wait for you.”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Think about it… it could work, you know…” He leaned over Jun to kiss him on the brow. “What would I have to do so you at least think about it seriously?”

 

“Ace your finals.” Jun offered after a while arching his neck so Masaki could keep tracing it with his lips. “If you do that I will believe you can do it. If you can make it, I’ll follow you.”

 

They heard Kazunari chuckle. “Stop hearing everything we say!” Masaki protested.

 

“Stop being sap-buckets around me!” the other interjected. Jun just chuckled and turned to capture Masaki’s mouth in his.

 

“I mean it, we can be together…” Masaki whispered into the kiss.

 

“I mean it too… ace all of your finals or otherwise I won’t take you seriously…”

 

“Then let’s make today count because I won’t be seeing you in a while…” He said attacking Jun’s neck holding him tight.

 

“There goes my after classes entertainment.” Kazu sighed from his spot.

 

After that afternoon, Masaki became Sho’s shadow. He had been diligent about his homework and studies. He only spared an hour a week to give Jun a kiss and rejoice in his embrace, before going back to his books. That way time passed quickly, and they soon found themselves with the finals finished but no results yet. Masaki tried to spend as much as he could with Jun, even if it was only sitting by his side.

 

It was the Sunday before results came, just a week before classes ended. Two weeks before graduation. The anxiousness Masaki had kept at bay by getting busy was now flooding his insides, overflowing through his limbs. As they were exiting the chapel where the mass just ended, he grabbed Jun by the elbow and try to pull him apart. But the younger wouldn’t budge so he just followed him. They piled up in Sho’s and Jun’s room blabbering and laughing. Then Jun said he needed to use the restroom giving Masaki a meaningful glance and going out the door.

 

Masaki finished listening Satoshi’s story about how he was almost responsible of all of the school not having lunch the day before and then he excused himself to get some water. Jun was waiting for him just a couple of doors from his. The younger boy gave him a soft smile before start walking and guiding him to his own room.

 

The kiss that followed after the door was closed behind them felt scorching, like if all the air in the world had become jelly and the only way to breathe was into the other’s mouth. Masaki put a chair to the door to get it stuck before pushing Jun to the bed and be on top of him, still kissing. Jun was shivering under him using his whole body to keep him flush against him. Their mouths wandered away from each other latching themselves to whatever skin they could find.

 

Jun stretched on the mattress, letting Masaki take over. Their bodies kept rubbing urgently against each other, faster each time. Then Masaki’s pace wavered, froze. Jun whined pulling him. “Don’t stop… don’t stop now.” He gasped. “I don’t care if I dirt my pants, I just need you… just need…”

 

Masaki pulled away enough to be able to look him in the face, breathing hard. Jun uttered the tiniest _please_ plea before lifting his face to kiss him. Masaki pushed his hips down to his partner once looking at him as he hissed and pushed back, began kissing him again letting the heat build again.

 

“I have an idea.” He said disentangling from Jun who didn’t make it easy. Masaki put his hands to Jun’s belt and unfastened before he could protest. After he unmade his pants and lowered them just enough to make Jun’s penis pop, Masaki opened Jun’s shirt and took it out of the way enough to uncover most of his torso. Then he did the same with himself lying on top of the other Jun shivered before start kissing him again.

 

“What are we going to do after…?” Jun asked finding impossible to go back to where he was before without knowing.

 

“We’ll clean up with a handkerchief, it’s easier to carry in a pocket and wash it in the sink without being noticed.” Masaki smiled rocking his body, his breath fastening.

 

Jun mouthed an _Oh_ as Masaki’s mouth was on his neck again. And all the skin making contact with him at the same time, the way they were moving soon both were releasing between their bodies. They panted into the quiet room for a couple of minutes without moving. When Masaki finally moved away, the sperm felt cold and gross against their middle sections. They cleaned up as Masaki had said. It still felt kind of gross on their skin later, but they still had time to take a shower.

 

Next morning the results were back. Masaki had obtained really good grades, yet he didn’t get to ace every of his finals. Around noon he was no-where to be seen and Jun started to worry. He didn’t give a reason, when lunch was about to finish to go and look for him. He found him behind the barn crying his eyes out. He sat at his side and held him.

 

“I couldn’t do it, Jun… I’m sorry…” Masaki bawled after crying a little more on Jun’s shoulder. Jun chuckled.

 

“I just wanted to see if you could be serious.” Jun said after Masaki pushed him angrily. “and you are… so now is my turn.”

 

“Wha…?” Masaki began asking but Jun interrupted.

 

“Now I’m promising you I’ll follow you, when you get a job in the city, I’ll be with you as soon as I finish here too.” Jun smiled pleasantly and moved his hands to wipe the other’s tears. Masaki was just gaping. Looking pretty stupid if you had asked Kazu. But to Jun, he looked just adorable. “We will be together, okay. So stop crying.” His voice was harsh, yet Masaki knew it was out of love so he nodded and pecked him on the nose.

 

“I promise to work hard so you won’t have to struggle much.” Masaki smiled wide when Jun blushed.

 

Graduation day, Masaki’s, Sho’s and Satoshi’s parents were there to help them to carry their things home. They didn’t have many but they were proud of their kids so they attended the ceremony. Sho had been accepted to a good college. Satoshi was going to work with an uncle in his fishing boat. Masaki hadn’t told his parents about his plans.

 

Masaki found time to steal a kiss from Jun and promise him that he’d write him lots before leaving. While he rode the train between his parents (Satoshi and his sitting on the row in front) tears started falling from his eyes. His mother patted his shoulder as if she understood. Of course she didn’t. She couldn’t possibly know what was making him feel so helpless.

 

He went to the capital where he stayed with some relatives he barely knew. His sunny personality and easy going attitude made finding a job easy for him. It wasn’t going to make him rich anytime soon, but he was able to afford a room and after living in St. John’s everything else seemed a luxury. He wrote Jun at least once a week, even if he knew his love couldn’t answer but once a month. He was careful on what he wrote, the priests read everything that arrived for the students after all, and he would want to keep Jun out of trouble. He didn’t spend much money other than in what it was necessary to be able to save for when Jun would come to live with him.

A few months before Jun’s graduation letters stopped coming. It was making Masaki sick with worry, and he still wrote Jun. he still wrote him a lot, but he wasn’t getting any response. Then Kazunari sent a letter.

 

“Jun’s dad is dead.” It said. “His mother came here to pull him out of school. She wouldn’t let him take anything with him. She said that anything regarding us was a waste of time. He gave me his address and asked me to give it to you. I don’t know if he’ll be able to write back, but I’m sure he’ll be happy to know you’re not mad.”

 

The letter said more stuff about himself and asking him what did he know about Satoshi and Sho. He scribbled a quick reply telling himself he’d write more to him thanking him for giving him the heads up. He wrote a simple note for Jun (in case someone was reading his mail), something just to let him know he wasn’t angry and that he wanted to keep writing to him and receiving letters.

 

He waited for reply, waited so damn long he started to have trouble to breathe and in his work, people noticed something was wrong. He dismissed the concern of his co-workers with his usual smile, though in the nights his feelings overflowed more than he would have liked to.

 

Then a reply came. It came at the end of September and it was a somber little envelope. It wasn’t a reply per se, it was an invitation for a wedding. Jun was getting married to a woman named Lindsay. It didn’t have an explanation, just a place and a time. Masaki felt so lonely. He couldn’t talk about it with anyone who could understand. He curled up on the bed and cried himself to sleep.

 

He was very mechanical about his job the next few days. On Saturday afternoon he walked towards the nearest church and kneeled in the confessionary booth and explained to the priest everything about Jun, everything he could remember, every kiss or touch. He told him everything he could without revealing Jun’s gender. The priest told him all that crap priests did every time “time heals all wounds” “everything happens for a reason” “the lord works in mysterious ways”. None of these common places helped him to ease the disappointment, the rage, the whole whirl of emotions inside him. The priest told him to pray some more so God gave him love enough to see his loved one happy.

 

It was late at night. Maybe more like really early in the morning when some knocks woke him up. He had been re-reading Jun’s letters and they were all scattered all over the room. He got up from bed, went to the door, and opened.

 

Jun was wet and small at his doorstep. He didn’t notice when it started raining last night. Masaki looked at him dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him. Jun jumped to his arms kissing him deeply.  He managed to stumble inside and close the door before anyone saw them.

 

“What are you doing here?” Masaki said realizing what was happening, pushing Jun away. “You’re all wet…all cold” he whispered and started looking for a towel or a blanket or something to cover him.

 

“I needed to see you.” Jun said weakly. He kept standing in the same spot. “My mother decided everything. It’s the only way to keep our fortune.” Jun spoke in a single breath like if words wouldn’t stop flowing. “After father died… she already had all figured out when she pulled me out of school.” Masaki put a blanket over his shoulders and retired, sat on the bed. Jun sniffed and choked on his words a bit. “She found your letters, and she knew what happened. I don’t know how she knew. But she did. She started to burn everything that came from you before I could read it. And all my mail was screened by her.” He gulped and turned to see Masaki. “She sent the invitations without telling me.” His voice broke at last and he fell sobbing on the floor at Masaki’s feet. “I just escaped yesterday morning, I traveled all day and have spent most of the night looking for you… I just needed to see you…”

 

Masaki was crying too, immobile. Jun crawled toward him, took his hand, and kissed it on the back. “Masaki…” hearing his name made him react to the mess of a boy at his feet. 

 

“I missed you Jun…” He cried dropping to the floor to hug him tight. “I missed you so damn much…” he felt the younger sob and tremble in his arms and he held him tighter.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Me too… I love you…” Masaki searched for his face to be able to look at him. He looked older, even more handsome than before, even if now he was all wet and dirty. “Let’s get you dried up.” he suggested once they both had calmed down a little bit. He didn’t have a bath in his room. But they did what they could to clean him and then he was wearing Masaki’s clothes. By then the sun was barely showing in the horizon.

 

“I… I can’t stay.” Jun said quietly watching Masaki get breakfast ready.

 

The older one turned around with a hurt grimace on his face. “I thought you came to stay with me.”

 

“My mother is probably looking for me, she won’t take long to remember about you and dig your address out.”

 

“We’ll run then.” Masaki said energetically. “I’ll take my savings and we’ll go elsewhere.”

 

Jun smiled bitterly. “I came to ask you for a favor.” Masaki just attended the breakfast with a frown. “I understand if you don’t want to. After how things have been…”

 

“Just tell me.” He said taking out his only fork and spoon. “We’ll have to eat from the pan, because I don’t have plates yet.” This made Jun smile, for real this time.

 

“I want you to… I need you to stain me.” Jun said after taking a bite. “I mean… I need you to make me yours forever. I need you to taint me and dishonor me in a way she won’t want me anymore.” Masaki looked directly at him with a face that told him he had not understood what he meant, or that he just didn’t want to. “I understand if you don’t want to… if you don’t want to condemn your mortal soul for me…” He added gravely, and sighed holding some more tears. “I just want it to be you… just yours… I think she won’t want me then… and I think… I believe that if I can take our sin with me, I might be able to survive…”

 

Masaki looked into the tear-filled eyes for a long time. Jun might have said _please_ , but Masaki didn’t hear it. He launched himself over the younger man and kissed him. Jun’s mouth was as soft and as sweet as he remembered it. He was kissing back with such desperation their teeth bumped, but they didn’t stop.

 

The clothes were soon out of the way and they lay on the single bed, just as their last time in St. John’s, their bodies rocking and their breathing rabid. They eased the process with spit, but Jun ended up crying anyways. When they had finished, Masaki cried softly too as they held each other on the bed. They fell asleep soon.

 

The door flew open and some men dragged naked Jun out of the room. Both Masaki and Jun were kicking and screaming. It didn’t matter. While one of them held Jun the others started to beat Masaki up. They only stopped when Jun started to yell that he would go willingly with them. Jun helped him to get to the bed. He was bleeding but it was all he could do. Jun took his clothes and got dressed before whispering _I love you_ to his ear and disappearing from his life.

 

A few months from that, Kazunari will sit melancholically on this same bed and tell him that Jun’s wedding was lovely and his wife was very beautiful. Some years after that, Sho will hire him and Kazu for the business he was starting.

 

Then he’ll meet a woman with pretty eyes and as cheerful as he was. He will find her to be someone worth marrying, so he’s going to do just that. He’ll embrace her mechanically, and she’ll give birth to an energetic boy and a pretty girl.

 

One day he will send his son to St. John’s, catching a glance of Jun in the first parents’ meeting. Jun will be even more beautiful than when he was a teenager with his powerful eyebrows and wavy lips. Masaki’s going to find it hard to breathe. He’ll get his kiss stolen behind the barn a year later, and it’ll be as soft and addictive as the first time. After the next parents’ meeting he is going to wake up alone and heartbroken in a cheap motel around town. Moreover, he still will be looking forward to the next parents’ meeting.

**Author's Note:**

> I know the quote was about death but since I didn't really want to go in that direction, the other thing that came to mind when talking about darkness and embarking the own soul into it was the choice to commit a sin that lead you towards the dark. And you can't have sins without believing in them. I've been wanting to write something with a strict catholic background for a while and this prompt just gave me an excuse to do so, so thanks boblemon. I really hope you enjoy it despite the ending.
> 
> I didn't expect to this turn out this big :S +14k words. xD Inspiration was a bitch just in another sense xD I'm still working ondeelovesryo and kokkaii's requests


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